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Guido, Douchebag, or Oompa Loompa? All three, I think.

All kinds of sites are making fun of these New Jersey guys. Apparently, these orangies are taking over the Jersey club scene. Thank Jeebis that’s far away from Minneapolis. One would think that homeland security wouldn’t let these guys on a plane being suspicious that they’re not in fact the same species.

I can’t resist jumping on this wagon — they’re so incredibly ridiculous. Even Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer had better fashion sense. At least they wouldn’t be camouflaged in a pumpkin patch.

It also goes along with the striped shirt phenomenom. Unfortunately we do have that in Minnesota. But at least it makes douchebags easier to spot. If you’re a lady, please read these visual clues below so you know what to avoid.

How to spot a Douchebag:

• Striped shirt (vertical stripes) or pastel shirt, often with a popped collar.
• Bright orange skin. From pumpkin sauce or weeks under the UV lights or both.
• If not a shirt as described previously, then a ridiculously tight muscle shirt or sleeveless shirt that exposes as much oranged skin as possible.
• Extreme Yu-gi-oh hair, see images below.
• Wearing sunglasses at night. Come on — this only works if you’re name is Corey Hart.
• Pursed lips when posing for photos. You got me on this one — is it supposed to look tough?!?
• Diet consisting entirely of ‘roids and/or protein shakes with the occasional energy bar or Red Bull.
• Ordering nothing but Heinekens and Jager-bombs at the bar.
• Usually in packs of 4 or more. It’s easier to maintain ego inflation that way.
• Self-destructs unless there’s a continual supply of attention (see latter point).

Now maybe you’re reading this and think these guys look cool. In that case, your initials are probably D.H. or your name is Mario. For which I offer you this tutorial:

Guido Gallery:

Most of the images from Barstool Sports.