bachelor wisdom

The Most Interesting Man in the World seeks assistant, will it be Mr. Whaley?

goobermaster — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 11:11:17 -0600

You may or not be aware of the Dos Equis contest for placing an assistant to the Most Interesting Man in the World. Our common friend, Chris Whaley, has risen through the ranks of competitors to the lofty position of one in ten nominees. Seriously folks, that's out of a pool of more than 9000 -- he's managed to convince enough people that he's interesting enough for this lofty position. Go read his online profile and submit to clever tidbits such as this:

CURRENT OCCUPATION: It's not so much an occupation as a little game I like to play: I call it "Keep Alive". It involves constantly redistributing debt over a variety of credit accounts and eating sushi on Tuesdays....

or:

UNIQUE QUALIFICATIONS: As mindful locuteur of the Most Interesting Man in the World, I would be sure to keep my public statements to a minimum - both to preserve your mystique and avoid any unnecessary scuffles with pretenders to that honorable title....

Chris needs your vote. Do it now. Read on for simple and easy to follow instructions from Chris himself.

Dear Friends and Family, I hope you are all enjoying this holiday weekend and that my message finds each of you well. I am writing to ask that you vote for me, "Chuck Xavier Montrose", in an online competition. (the "vote" button is at the upper right corner of my profile) Skip to "Directions" if you're already convinced. I know ... I can see your eyes glazing over from here. But hold on -- I'd do it for you. ... and you owe it to yourself to enjoy the sweet taste of success (vicariously) if I win. ... and I owe a couple of you money -- this could be your one and only chance to get it back before Armeggedon. So, before you send this to your Spam folder along with all those emails telling you that you may have already won, please take a moment to consider what I could win:) if I win, I'll be given:

A cash prize / stipend (which I could really use right now)

The chance to travel (which is really what has me excited about the possibility of winning)

A whole lot of beer (which I will be happy to share with all of you whether or not you vote)
and
An appearance in one of their TV ads.

If I'm lucky, I might even be able to convince them to let me stay on as part of their marketing department (they do like my writing). I'd like you to know that I wouldn't send a group email if I didn't think I had a chance. There is a chance that I could win - I've already gotten into the top 10 (out of over 9000 "applicants" -- a smaller number of which were actually taking it seriously like I was) and submitted a video to go from the top 25 to the top 10. The promotional event / competition is sponsored by Dos Equis (owned by Heineken) and centers around the search for an assistant to their fictional mascot "The Most Interesting Man in the World". I have some serious competition in the other applicants and could use some votes to keep me on the judges' radar. So, I am asking you for one vote on their site between now and noon next Sunday. For those of you with OCD, EHS (Extreme Helpfulness Syndrome), or an addiction to the clicking sound your mouse makes when you vote for things online: You have the option of voting once each day until voting closes. You also have the option of telling all your friends, making postcards and promotional t-shirts and otherwise using whatever left-over campaigning energy you have to rocket me to victory.
Directions
Please go to this website: http://staythirstymyfriends.com/finalists/#two Enter your age to verify that you are over 21, Scroll down to the second profile ("Chuck...") Have a laugh at my (partially) fake bio and vote* for me, "Chuck Xavier Montrose"
(*They will ask for your email address. I'm not sure if you need it to complete your vote, but just to be on the safe side, please give them your junk email address or use your regular address and just make sure to leave the "send me promotions" box unchecked.)
The other candidates are pretty damn funny too -- please enjoy their humorous entries if you have time, but remember -- I'm not asking for your unbiased evaluation of the candidates: I am asking for your vote! And I want bias. lots of it. for me. If you can't muster up some bias for me, I'll take pity or confusion. That's right -- I'll even take votes that were intended as online pizza orders. Thanks to those of you who vote and everyone, please take this an invitation to chat and catch up if I haven't talked to you for a while. Sincerely, Chris Whaley PS -- the second two responses on my profile are transcribed (almost) accurately from the video I submitted. "Rug-hugging", "moot point, ... moot point" and some unintelligible wording in the beard section are all typos / innacurate transcription. I was impressed that somebody listened to it carefully enough to get most of it right, so I haven't complained - I just don't want you to think your voting for someone who would use the word "moot" twice in one sentence. PSS -- for those of you who don't know my educational background: I studied Spanish, International Relations, and French in college, lived in Mexico for a semester and worked at the American Chamber of Commerce while studying Mexican government and US-Mexico relations. Other than taking a yearly trip to one place or another (NY, WA, MS, Puerto Rico, 10 Western states, the grocery store, etc.) and maintaining a humorous blog for a couple of years, I haven't done much since. Winning this competition would be a great chance to put some of my skills to use. ... and man, do I need to travel. no offense to the greater Twin Cities area, but the suburbs are driving me nuts, it's Winter, and I can't afford to appreciate the metropolitan culture. PSSS (starting to sound like a punctured tire) -- even my parents voted for me. One of my aunts has launched a blitz campaign on the Internet on my behalf (but without my permission, if she breaks into your house to vote with your computer).

Remember -- you can vote each day for Chris, so bookmark the link above and revisit to vote each day for the next week. Let's help him win!

10 things I learned over the weekend...

goobermaster — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 10:21:28 -0600

Although there are many ways to prepare delicious bacon. Some work better than others. If it's in the oven, make sure the grease is contained and doesn't continuously drip into the fire and smoke out your entire party. Bacon Smog!
On that note -- 4 pounds of bacon consumed in one day is just fine with me. :)
Fried cheese really only works well with this variety. Fried cheddar -- not so nice.
No need to bowl at the bowling alley so long as you sneak in your own booze. Hint -- bring girls who can hide contraband in their bottomless purses. ;)
Rock Band works better under the influence of alcohol. Even Bon Jovi schools me until I've been re-energized by the Power of Beer which unleashes my secret gaming powers.
Brunch is good any day at any time. 3 times in one weekend is not too many.
Petron is clearly evil and brewed in hell. But oh so tasty... I'm sure I've yet to learn my lesson here.
Pear Martinis are equally dangerous and taste a little too much like pear juice and not quite enough like vodka. Mmmm... arghghgrh... Disaronno and Pear Vodka...
Pugs make good bacon degreasers. Lick away Sid...
White Russians are way more tasty if sipped while quoting The Dude. (I'd imagine wearing a bathrobe would help too.)

The World's Shortest Fairytale

goobermaster — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 23:06:37 -0500

I saw this and lol'd. I think this may be my new philosophy for life:

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted. THE END

Waking up is hard to do

goobermaster — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 14:35:45 -0500

This made me chuckle...

Things you're glad to wake up to:	Things you're not glad to wake up to:
Surprise Sex Smell of Bacon	Surprise Roommate Sex Sunshine Alarm Clock Surprise Buttsex Telephone Call from Grandma Smell of Vomit Taste of Vomit Surprise Roommate Buttsex

From the College Skill Set.

King of Bachelor Wisdom

goobermaster — Fri, 12 Sep 2008 23:02:37 -0500

Awesomeness -- currently if you google "bachelor wisdom", I'm number one. :) Woot! Clearly the world has recognized my extraordinary knowledge and is paying homage. And on a related note, today I got a small surprise in the mail as part of my Bachelor Pad Magazine subscription. Femme Fatale trading cards. :) Nice 4x6 postcard size too, with a luscious photo on one side and critical stats on the flip. Super Bonus! Get yours today. Here's a coupla samples:

Conversion from Manfort to Lounge continues...

goobermaster — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 21:26:24 -0500

Major progress on the lounge conversion here at the Manfort tonight as I install the new hanging glassware shelf. Thanks to an awesome birthday, I now have lotsa new beverage holders. :) And bar accoutrements. A quick trip to Home Depot to pick up another shelf, some chain, and a few hooks and the hanging glassware shelf is complete. The hangers are from Fantes.

Don't let the children mix martinis.

goobermaster — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 23:57:04 -0500

In case you haven't seen this one pop up at the right:

"You shouldn't let children mix the martinis. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth."
— Fran Lebowitz

And pugs neither for that matter...

Best Business Card Ever!

goobermaster — Fri, 11 Apr 2008 23:33:12 -0500

Alright, I'm gonna blatantly rip this off -- cause it's that damn clever. May I present my new business card:

USED CARS -- LAND -- WHISKEY -- MANURE -- NAILS FLY SWATTERS -- RACING FORMS -- BONGOS
GOOBERTECH ENTERPRISES Un-Ltd. R. P. FUCHS, President
Wars Fought Revolutions Started Assassinations Plotted Governments Run Uprisings Quelled	Stud Service Tigers Tamed Bars Emptied Computers Verified Orgies Organized

Swanky Sid

goobermaster — Wed, 12 Dec 2007 16:45:18 -0600

As the "Manfort Deluxe" that Sid and I inhabit slowly evolves into "Swank Central", it's abundantly clear Sid will require one of these. ---->

Stocked Bar -- check
Copies of Bachelor Pad Magazine -- check
Pipes and smoking jacket -- check
Lots of stylin' and unnecessary lights -- check
Fez hat for pug -- not check (yet)

No worries -- this crucial detail has become top priority!

Smoove B - the Ladies Man

goobermaster — Mon, 23 Jul 2007 14:26:52 -0500

The Onion can be so damn clever sometimes. I just stumbled across the Smoove B's boudoir and clearly he is the master ladies man. Take note guys, and Smoove B will guide you along the way of pleasing your most special lady.

To the ladies, this message is for you. You know who you are. First and foremost, I would like to take this time to personally thank every woman, girl, and lady who is reading this. Just taking the time to read this shows that you are a female of class and distinction who knows what she wants and how she wants to be treated. I have no doubt that most of you are fine, as well. Ladies, you are most special to me, and to prove your special-ness, I would like to take you out for an eventful evening that we will enjoy to the very heights of ecstasy. It will be a night you will not forget, nor will it be a night you wish to forget. Here, ladies, is how the night shall go. read more...

There's so much on the Smoove's site, read all you can and don't miss a morsel. The classiness may be overwhelming but it's definitely worthwhile. Case in point...

...However, instead of the passionate lovemaking we had in the dining room, this time the lovemaking will be slow and erotic. I will say things like, "Ladies, you turn me on like no one ever has before" and "Your hair smells like sweet jasmine" and also "Mmmm, I love being inside you." No other man has ever made love to you like this before, and you will feel very special. You will also repeat my name, "Smoove...Smoove," a hundred times, because I am the one who is making you crazy with desire. The next morning will also be filled with tempting delights, in the way of breakfast, coffee, and early morning lovemaking. Thank you for reading.

Now -- stay up to date be becoming his special Myspace friend. You'll learn useful skills such as "How to prepare Lobster Tail" and "How to regulate a ho."