Guido, Douchebag, or Oompa Loompa? All three, I think.

All kinds of sites are making fun of these New Jersey guys. Apparently, these orangies are taking over the Jersey club scene. Thank Jeebis that’s far away from Minneapolis. One would think that homeland security wouldn’t let these guys on a plane being suspicious that they’re not in fact the same species.

I can’t resist jumping on this wagon — they’re so incredibly ridiculous. Even Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer had better fashion sense. At least they wouldn’t be camouflaged in a pumpkin patch.

It also goes along with the striped shirt phenomenom. Unfortunately we do have that in Minnesota. But at least it makes douchebags easier to spot. If you’re a lady, please read these visual clues below so you know what to avoid. read more »

The Minneapolis Towing Minions Attack Again

The asshole brigade was out in force last night. I could hear the plow going down the street and then Sid started barking at the perceived threat.

I poked my head out the front door to snap this pic and watch while they proceeded to tow 12 vehicles away — just in my block! No tickets. No warnings. These dick-heads were simply waiting like wolves for 9:00 PM sharp to roll around and then swooped in for the kill. By 9:11, all 12 cars were missing and they were on to the next block.

Sucks to be the unlucky neighbors who now have to find rides downtown and shell out over $238 to get their car back. Not only does the asshole brigade use the “heavy duty” haulers so they can charge more, they force you to pay a minimum of one night’s storage fee — regardless of whether or not you pick you vehicle up that night or the next morning. And of course these people are even less friendly than your typical DMV worker. Clearly deriving a sort of sick pleasure out of maximizing all the victims’ misfortunes and confusion. It’s a complete racket.

Mario the Grifter

Remember this chap? In and out of everyone’s lives like a bad storm. Here’s a little photoshop fun, meme-cat style. He wears so many hats, it’s amazing he can keep them all straight. (Oh yeah — that’s right he can’t. Not for very long anyway.) Here are a few:

• night club owner — ie, Piccolinos — remember he and his “business partner” from Philly are buying the Block E theater to turn into a two level downtown hotspot.
• Italian mafia — his Philly millionaire big boss, Jake Polantra, has a private jet, gives Mario a huge cash advance and provides a network of protecting thugs.
• downtown high-roller — from moving into the Falls across from Nye’s to VIP lounging at Bellanotte’s and the Annex, only Dom Pérignon and rubbing elbows with the owners will do.
• Ferrari owner — we all saw the pics in his cell phone. Right? The Ferrari that he kept in the garage but only drove when no one was around.
• boating with Jim Caviezel — in his cabin cruiser on the river. Another vehicle no one else got to see.
• the yellow mustang — purchased from the dealer so he wouldn’t have to risk the Ferrari. Or was that just an e x t e n d e d test drive.
• landscape contractor — the business that was sold to invest in the night club amongst other things.
• real estate investor — “give me $10,000 and I’ll double your money in less than a year.” He has so many contacts through his Philly boss and the “contracting business” that you can’t lose.
• songwriter — didn’t win the “who’s the new INXS band member” contest, but CBS bought his song and now he’s represented by a Hollywood agent. The same one who handles Jim Belushi.
• record producer — started Watershed Records and promised to start Joy’s and Vino’s career amongst others.
• fundraiser organizer — for Autism Speaks. His band played for about a hundred close friends on New Years Eve and the event money went to fight autism. The donation was matched by KARE 11 and he was on the morning show to talk about it.
• professional bullshit artist, aka. grifter — classic case of delusional narcissistic disorder. Will cheat and lie to friends, family and anyone else willing to listen.

Hint — only that last one is true. Aleksey Vayner may have gotten more publicity, but Mario has more victims. If you know this guy, be forewarned, your wallet is in jeopardy.